The Invitation
by thirdmetaphor
Summary: Sasuke wants Naruto. Naruto is getting married to Hinata. Oh no.


**The Invitation**

Paring: SasuNaru

Genre: Parody

Warnings: contains crack-iness. May not be suitable for some older adults. Seek child supervision before reading.

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><p>It was a rare day indeed when Uchiha Sasuke found himself troubled. This, however, was one of such times. It manifested as Kakashi, standing in his doorway, holding a wedding invitation. Sasuke took one look at the name and blanched.<p>

"…what?" He looked up. "Hinata's getting married?"

"In a week," Kakashi replied solemnly, still holding out the card. "I'd like you to attend."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "…Kakashi, you're marrying Hinata?"

"I wish," he grumbled. "Of course not, I just came by to give you an invitation because ever since we dragged you back, you've been avoiding everything. You need to get out more. And frankly, no one else knows where you live except myself and Sakura. But it seems that she's not speaking with you at the moment."

There had been an incident. With Suigetsu. And him. _In _him. Those had been strange days of experimentation that they no longer spoke of, and Sasuke preferred not to elaborate. Instead, he tossed his glossy hair over one shoulder, simply to demonstrate how well it shone in the midday sun, and nodded sharply, taking the card. "I'll be there. You can _count _on it."

He was _not _about to let his prey get taken away by a Hyuuga.

-x-

It had been approximately two months since the great Uchiha Sasuke had returned to Konoha with his reformed friends – acquaintances! – and there had only been one reason for his doing so.

Uzumaki Naruto.

The boy had been nothing but an annoying dobe for most of his life, but it seemed that his parents' genes had at long last caught up with him. His washed-out blue eyes now glimmered like the sky during the brightest day of June, and dishwater-blond hair shone like fine gold dust in the sunlight. A stunning specimen of good breeding, worthy to be the mate of an Uchiha heir.

(And occasionally, Sasuke would reluctantly admit to himself that they shared some kind of stupid bond and they were friends and he'd like of liked the dobe since he'd discovered he was one of _those _boys and such and such dull things.)

But primarily, 'Uchiha Naruto' sounded fucking cool.

-x-

A successful operation required a successful plan. A successful plan required successful planning. Successful planning required intelligence, and since this was clearly in abundance, Sasuke gave himself a good chance of extricating his beloved dobe from making the mistake of his life in marrying Hyuuga Hinata, who would undeniably brand him with her Hyuuga name and make him wear Hyuuga clothes that totally clashed with his eyes.

So he sat in his centre of operations – a small rented apartment in northern Konoha – with a pencil in one hand and determination oozing from every pore of his skin.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" Juugo asked, pushing the door open and helping himself in. Karin slipped in behind him, carrying a bouquet of flowers that she lovingly organized into a vase by the table.

"Planning," he said simply. Today, the next mission of the Uchiha clan would be put into motion. This was a matter of utmost precision.

"You haven't looked this focused since you set out to destroy your brother and take revenge for your clan," Juugo looked over at his myriad of penciled battle-planning.

"No, I think Sasuke-kun looked just as focused when he set out to destroy his village to take revenge for his brother," Karin said knowingly. Within seconds, her weight manifested on Sasuke's lap, because it seemed to have developed a long-practiced talent for doing so. He patiently ignored her and kept scribbling down attack combinations that would stop the wedding in the most timely and efficient manner possible. Most of said combinations included Susano'o.

"So, what's this?" She asked, looking over at the paper. "Why does it say, 'invoke Amaterasu against Hyuuga Hiashi, and use it to get around his Kaiten'? Are you going to fight the Hyuuga clan?"

"Essentially, yes."

"Ah, Sasuke-kun is so cool!" She gushed. "Did you hear that, Juugo? We're going to stage a coup!"

"There's no way they'll let him stay in the village if he does that," he observed. "He's already on probation."

"Stop concluding things," Sasuke hissed, attempting to push Karin off his lap, and failing profoundly. God, why did she have to twine her legs around his like that? How long would it take her to realized that she missed the essential body part that he preferred? "I'm only there to stop the Hyuuga heir's wedding. These are backup plans in case they stand in my way."

Juugo was utterly, rightly confused. "…what do you have against Hinata-chan? She is kind and beautiful."

Sasuke turned to stare at him with half lidded eyes, "I _won't _let her steal what's mine." He promptly stood – this action thankfully detaching Karin from his legs – and shoved on his flak jacket.

Karin proceeded to cry in the corner, but all those present knew that she would eventually move on with fervor. She'd been eyeing Kakashi recently, after all. He had a Sharingan too, the poor man.

"Wait, you are into guys like that?" Juugo raised an eyebrow. "I though he would be a little to… unrefined for your tastes."

"I'll fucking refine him!" Sasuke snapped as he banged open the door. He shot one look back into the apartment, and spoke in a low tone that promised all sorts of pain, "he'll be the first blonde Uchiha in history." The door slammed shut.

Inside, Karin blinked away her tears and looked towards the closed door. "But… he's not even blond…"

-x-

It was about time that the streets of Konoha were once again graced with Uchiha presence. Sasuke looked around and nodded approvingly at the terrified faces, the children that ran to their mothers, the shinobi who stopped and stared with fear worthy of an Uchiha prey in their eyes. It reminded him of familiar times with Orochimaru. The old creep's minions would look at him in the same way, and the sheer nostalgia almost brought tears to his eyes.

His destination was the Hyuuga grounds, a land his kin had not ventured into for years. Mainly because most of them had been dead for years, but it was the saying that mattered. He barged proudly into the wide gateway, Uchiha fan emblazoned on the back of his shirt, Konoha hitai-ite worn tactically around his neck. Backwards. One had to do _some _things to conserve consistency.

It seemed that they were having some sort of party, because there were many non-Hyuuga in the vicinity. Even Sakura, who stood speaking with Genma, was there, and she almost choked when she spotted him. She then promptly turned and continued her ignoring of his existence.

Sasuke made his way through the crowds of people to the courtyard of the main house, where the after-ceremony reception was taking place. His hawk-like vision immediately sought out Naruto, who was standing by the bottles of sake, lugging them down like an anbu on the day before a suicide mission.

"Oi!" He hissed, making his way over through crowds of girls who had _also _unfortunately noticed that Naruto was _indeed _the son of the Yondaime, who could sweep men's beauty magazines under his feet. Sasuke shook him by the shoulders. "Stop drinking or you'll be too drunk to do anything. I don't want to have to _carry _you out of here."

Naruto's stunning face morphed into a lurid grin. "Hey, hey Sasuke is that chu? Aweshome! Now we can have a team seven party! You're all invited," he pointed a clumsy finger at the group of kunoichi around him, who collectively swooned.

Sasuke frowned. Clearly, his target was too drunk to serve as aid. This would have to be done quickly and openly. He looked solemnly into Naruto's blue eyes. "You, stay here. _Here,_" he pointed at the ground. "And don't move."

After seeing him nod confusedly, Sasuke moved to the centre of the courtyard, where Hinata was greeting some of the clan elders while wearing what looked like five different layers of kimono. And yet each was as plain as the next. It didn't help that they clashed horribly with her hair.

"Hyuuga Hinata!" He announced, silencing the surroundings with his voice of command. "I am here to inform you that I cannot let this wedding go on."

Gasps of shock permeated the crowd, and Hinata seemed simply confused. She turned and blinked, smoothing strands of fine hair behind her ear. Sasuke allowed himself to briefly glimpse how it cascaded down her back like that of a princess of old legend, and narrowed his eyes because it annoyed him immensely. It was _wrong _that a _Hyuuga's _hair could be more stunning than his own!

"Sasuke-kun?" She asked hesitantly. "W-why not?"

"Because," he hissed, "he's _mine. _He always has been, and you can't change that now. Plus, he's not interested in women. I've known that since I was seven, and you were simply too blinded by your own admiration to see it."

The silence was heavy. Hinata looked pained. "H-how can you say such a thing?-"

"Give up, Hyuuga. Hand him over nicely and I'll allow you to keep your dignity." He put forth his ultimatum, and carefully watched her reaction. Her dewy eyes, accented with admittedly skillfully applied paint, lowered, paused, and then raised once again, filled with a new vigor that he's never seen in the shy girl.

"No."

The single syllable echoed through the Hyuuga grounds. Nearby, Kakashi was banging his head against the sliding door for whatever reason, and Ino was running off into the crowd. Naruto was still tottering drunkenly upon the spot he'd been told not to move from, the good kid.

"No?!" He exclaimed. "Well that's no matter, you do not have a say in this. I will take him myself."

"No!" She yelled. "W-what's wrong with you, Sasuke-kun? Of course he's interested in girls, he's agreed to marry me!"

"A simply matter of pride, probably. Everybody knows he's stubborn as a rock."

Hinata reddened. "But we've done… we've done… stuff. He prefers women, I promise." She ended in a mumble, shooting apologetic glances at a fuming Hyuuga Hiashi.

Well, this was an interesting turn of events. But Sasuke _very clearly _remembered Naruto kissing a pretty boy they'd once met on a mission. Maybe he went both ways. No matter, as long as _one _of those ways was _his _way. He shook his head. "Fine, then, I'll spar you for him."

He watched as Hinata's lips pressed into a tight line. "Otou-san," she said sharply. "Stay out of this. I'll take care of it myself." With that, she expertly shifted four layers of her kimono, pushed her stunning hair over her shoulder, and placed her hands in a Jyuuken stance.

-x-

"Hey Kiba, have some more sake," Ino suggested, pouring his cup until half of it had sloshed over the side. She didn't stop pouring. "You should have a _lot _more. Like, a _lot. _Remember my birthday? _That _much."

"Why?" He drawled, already at the point of staggering. "Hinata won't like it if I drink too much. This is her clan's ceremony, after all. They've got like, twelve of them before we can actually get married."

"Yeah, but you're gonna need it when you find out what's happening in the courtyard right now," she said seriously, grabbing another bottle and proceeding to shove its contents into Kiba's full cup. "So drink a _lot._"

"What's happening?"

"Sasuke-kun just confessed his love for you. He and Hinata are going to fight over you."

Ino really didn't have any complaints when Kiba spit his mouthful of sake all over her.

-x-

When Kiba staggered drunkenly into the courtyard with Ino holding him up, Sasuke had just started to move. Upon seeing the two enter his line of vision, he paused, and Hinata looked like she wanted to sink into the ground.

"Hey, hey listen, Sasuke," he slurred. "I know we've met once. Or, like, twice. But I really don't feel it, you know? I mean, you've been as gay as a sunflower for years, but I kinda like the other gender. More than like. And Hinata-chan is like… _the other gender._"

Sasuke blinked. "What… are you blabbering about?"

Kiba shrugged helplessly, flinging his bottle of sake with the motion. Ino looked apologetically at Hinata, whose perfect hair was now frazzled beyond repair. She turned back and gave a sheepish smile. "Um… Sasuke-kun, Kiba doesn't like you. He likes Hinata."

"Why should I care who he likes?"

"Well that's not nice!" She huffed. "You can't interrupt someone's love without taking his feelings into consideration, especially if you're going to stop their wedding."

"Look," Sasuke sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It's plain as day that Naruto likes me. He spent half his childhood lusting after me, the idiot, and the other half chasing me across the country. If you think I'm going to believe all that 'you're just my friend' shit, you underestimate my observational skills."

Silence fell once again. Kakashi continued his head-banging. Hyuuga Hiashi had grasped the situation like the tactical genius he was, and wisely stayed out of it. Ino took a little longer to click, but when she did, she groaned.

Kiba looked simply confused. He pointed at himself. "So… you _don't _want me?"

He blinked. "Why would I want you?"

"Because… I'm the one Hinata is going to marry," he clarified.

Sasuke's brain screeched to a halt. He blinked twice. Then turned to Hinata, who nodded tiredly and adjusted layer-three of her ceremonial kimono. Then glanced at Kakashi, who looked like he regretted ever handing him the invitation.

Well, this was good. Beneficial. Preferable. But there was still the matter of preserving dignity. With a flick of his glossy hair, he faced the Hyuuga heiress. "I wish you a good evening, then, Hinata, I hope our clans can recognize each other and coexist in as much peace as is realistically possible once you become head."

"He changed the topic!" Tenten muttered from nearby. "He totally changed the topic!"

There was a brief moment of silence so awkward it tore into their very souls, and then Sasuke turned sharply on his heel, making his way back to Naruto, who _still _hadn't moved. A good, acquiescent lover, who was great in the looks department and made a fair amount of money after finally being promoted to jonin. Perfect honorary-clan material. Uchiha Naruto, he would be.

"So," Naruto slurred. "Can I move from this spot now? Cause we totally need to have that party."

"Of course," he replied solemnly as he approached. Every eye was on him. This was the perfect opportunity to deliver a dramatic exit.

"Oh, good," Naruto grinned. "That's great, Sasuke-teme. Hey, what are you doing-"

Without delay, Sasuke tossed his new lover over one shoulder and exited with the flair of a true Uchiha.

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